Loving the Unlovable
Is it possible—can you love the unlovable? Your daughter screams, “I hate you,” or your son pulls away when you hug him and you wonder, “Really?! I can’t love that!” It can be awfully hard to love a porcupine in general, but it’s especially difficult when the quills start flying! How do you approach these unlovable moments in parenting? Let's break it down.
Your child does something undesirable. Fill in the blank_________, I’m sure something recent will come to mind! You think, “I can’t love that (or some variation)!” You feel hurt, pout the rest of the day, and go into silent treatment mode. Or, maybe you feel angry and lash out. This is when you shoot your own porcupine quills! In either case, you hope that your child will get the hint and change because Mom is feeling pretty hurt or angry.
Let’s try to see this from a different angle. What if you don’t ever make their behavior about you? Your child does the same undesirable behavior and you think, “It’s OK, I don't need you to love me to love you.” This has become one of my go-to thoughts, and I use it on repeat! In this scenario, you begin to soften and feel love for your child regardless of the circumstance. You are patient and neutral, not reacting, but learning and observing your child and yourself; showing love in a way that is authentic to you. You are loving the “unlovable”.
Think about it. If you want your kids to behave in a particular way so you can feel loved and love them in return, then you put all of YOUR control and ability to love in THEIR hands. Which doesn’t work very well because we can’t make our children think, feel, or do anything. Truly. I know it’s not what we want to believe sometimes, but it’s the truth. Of course, as a mother, there are times you want to teach your kids and correct their behavior but watch yourself. Do you withdraw love from your kids because of their unlovable behavior? If so, consider what you are making their behavior mean? You don't need their permission to love them. YOU can love them regardless of how many eye rolls and temper tantrums come your way.
Now, when the whole “loving the unlovable” concept isn’t sinking in—be patient with yourself. It’s natural for our brains to feel very threatened when the unlovable side comes out in those around us and they say or do things that seem hurtful. Ironically, that’s when our most unlovable side comes out too. But it doesn’t need to be that way. Just pause right before you pout or lash out and acknowledge that it’s OK to feel hurt. Show yourself some compassion and patience by believing that it’s possible to heal and believe something different. It will come in time.
So when you face an unlovable moment this weekend, surprise a family member and adopt the mantra, “It’s OK, I don’t need you to love me, to love you,” and see what happens. Happy Valentine’s Weekend!
Love,
Stephanie